I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Randomize
