listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
