I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
