some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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