ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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