my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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