I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Randomize
