I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
