"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
