Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
