Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i wish my penis had a tongue
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
