it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I think I just sharted jello shots
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