I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
