quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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