my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I cut my penus on the lid.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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