omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
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