This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
