I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
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