Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
