Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
