Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
