I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
