why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
