Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I think your dad took our porno
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
