Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
