i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
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