You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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