I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
