1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
