after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
