How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
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