Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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