I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
