She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
You are the jesus of drinking
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
