Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Congratulations! We have a period
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