if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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