I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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