What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
