This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Randomize
