The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
