You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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