Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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