woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize