honey bunches of taint.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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