im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I have demons in me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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