we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
