Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.
Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.
I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
