you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
