Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
