I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
