It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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