I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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