just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
