ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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