last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
