So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
