I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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