so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
