Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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