even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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