My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
