dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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